So this morning I woke up feeling different again. In a good, but confused way. Yesterday I was still pretty upset about Marcus. Cried a lot. I just prayed and prayed. When I was at the park all I could think about was calling him to Invite them to come and hang out. Distracted myself with friends, slides, crafts and Jojo for a while till I came home, when Laryssa asked me what happened. Of course I cried again.
But when she left i fell asleep for a while and woke up. I wasn’t able to go back to bed, so I started praying for him again. I started talking out loud, if I would write him for the last time and what would I say. Made me feel so much better.
This morning I woke up and the first thought that came up, is what if God doesn’t want me to do the things what I thought was my calling? Maybe he just wants me to have an open heart for the broken heart-ed and be there for them no matter what. Plant a seed. And not be this closed off person. Not be numb to my feelings. Have open arms and make them smile. Let god use me even if it brings hurt. What if he just wants me to love everyone he puts into my life to help them regardless if they flee. Did my calling change?
Its been so weird. Like an overload of emotions and hormones came all at once from the last week in a half. I feel like a normal woman. Lol. Like this happened for me to understand that its okay. It’s okay to feel. It’s okay to want things. God isn’t going to not accept you for having a desire. Marcus taught me a lot that’s for sure. Even though it’s only been 6 weeks.
Today is like one of those days where I need to take a break from myself. Well my eye balls at least. I feel disconnected or maybe its a “free” feeling?
Its like I’m a whole different person.
I’m more confident, more loving, more caring, more compassionate, more godly, more aware. I know more of who I am. I know to follow my heart. And not be afraid. Forget all those stupid rules I made in my mind for the fear of looking a certain way to a person or whatever I told myself so I wouldn’t get hurt so much. I’m more open. Vulnerable. More understanding. More me. It’s okay to care about myself too. It’s okay to leave. It’s okay to make some people upset, with decisions that I make because I feel it’s the best for me. It’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay to not listen to other peoples advice. It’s okay, that I don’t need to explain myself to everyone all the time. It’s okay to feel. It’s okay to accept crazy love. It’s okay to be irrational. It’s okay.
Now the questions are, to send the message that I wrote last night? Or do I just leave it alone. And just continue to pray for him? Wait for a while? Cause besides my overload of emotions. I just want to ask for a do-over with him. I want to be there for him, pray for him, with him. Hug him and tell him whatever he is struggling with right now it will soon be over. Become his good friend. I can see us at each others weddings. Be another brother and sister in Christ. And then also tell him he’s an idiot for pushing me away… especially without even telling me, he’s going to disappear and needs time away. He promised he wouldn’t stop being a friend. But sometimes, that’s just God wants them to work out right now.
Do I pretend I didn’t just fall in love? I know I can never pretend that didn’t just happened. I never wanna forget it. Because I can’t be more grateful. God, thank you, for him.
So whats my next step? Get more involved with church? Keep on the job search, but for what? Where do I go from here?
I’m finding myself. Yet I’m so lost, with so much hope and love.
All these feelings, all these wants, all these questions. It’s okay.
Because God is sovereign, God is amazing, He has a plan, and he still loves me for who I am anyway. He will never forsake me. And as long as he’s by my side, life will be alright. Just gotta keep calm, trust him, stay humble and pray on.